In the begining…

Where do I start…..  I have never in my life done this before, I never kept a diary as a child, I keep my thoughts to myself and have always been an internal thinker and processer, yet I find myself in a place where all I want to do is write everything down in order to make sense and understand what I am feeling.

The day started as any other day, it’s a Saturday, on Monday we are due to go off and go to Cornwall for a week on a sun holiday in a caravan.  I’ve nipped upstairs to finish a library book, because I think I have just enough time, to finish the last few pages, get changed and then we are going into town.  Sam is, I think washing up, Imogen is about somewhere playing.

I feel anxious and sick just writing this, the memories and feelings are resurfacing and I feel once again on the verge of tears.

Suddenly Sam is upstairs in the room sitting on the end of the bed, he looks at me, and there is this look on his face which I can’t describe, his eyes look hollow and distant, like there is something behind but a veil and mask has come down and has closed off his soul to me.  He looks me in the eye and I know, the feelings of concern I’ve been having all month are real and true, ever since he first said those words, I don’t think I love you anymore and I’m not sure what to do….  The realisation of what is about to happen is dawning on me.

He shakes his head, and cries, I scream and shout, I don’t know what else to do I feel like I’m hyperventilating although I’ve never done that before so I am not sure what it feels like.  I’m grabbing at him begging him to love me and feel differently, begging him to stay with me.  He shakes his head again and says he doesn’t know.

I get to the end of my tether, I want to throw up; I go downstairs to the bathroom and feel that I just want to be sick over and over again.  I sit and think, and regain some of my composure, I can do this I tell myself I can go back in there and make him be with me.

I go out and see that Sam is in floods of tears, Imogen is looking bewildered, and not sure what is going on.

I try to reason with Sam, but the man I love, the man I married feels lost to me and I can’t cope with it, I can’t cope with him not loving me.  I tell him to go, to leave, but if he does I tell him then that’s it, it is over he is not putting me through this ever again, I am not going to be hurt like this or feel like this ever again.  He goes to get his things and a sudden calm comes over me and I realise that my car is on the driveway first blocking his car in.  It’s bizarre but in that sudden moment I think he’s bloody well not taking my car!  I grab Imogen and tell him I’m going out, and by the time I come back he needs to have gone, I don’t care where but I can’t live with someone who doesn’t love me.

I get in the car and I cry, I’m not sure where I’m going the tears blur my vision as I grip the steering wheel and listen to Imogen asking why is Mummy crying and where is daddy and why is everyone sad.

I go to my parents, but it is Saturday lunchtime and they will be out dong their normal Saturday routine as they too are about to go on holiday, but to Devon not Cornwall, I’m not sure why that feels important, it just is.

I turn around and drive back past my house, his car has gone, he has gone, and at that moment, I know my life has changed and I never did finish my library book.

never meaning to send….!!!

In 2010 my husband of 9 years woke up one morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving me.

5 years have passed and he is now with married to the woman I thought he was having an affair with and they are expecting a baby.

I’ve been challenged on my reaction to this news and previously by him telling me and others that I had never come to terms with the real reason he left, I thought I had, I thought I had moved on, but in dark moments I start to wonder if this is true, do you ever fully move on?  will there always be a connection and a part of me hoping, for whatever reason, that at some point he will realise the error his ways and ask to come back to me, or it is the Mr Hyde escaping in me that I hope it will also fail for them and then I know it was not me who was the baddy in our marriage.

I find writing a release to allow true feeling to escape into the written word in a manner I can never communicate verbally, probably because you can change what is written but once spoken it is always out there, open to interpretation and to be adjusted with times and memories.

My blog will be a series of letters to various people within my family, his and others who have helped or been part of this journey, they are not letters I ever meant on sending but it felt good at the time to write things down.  It does get easier in time, but I am not sure I will ever be completely pain and regret free, who knows…..